In honour of Mother's Day, I'm going to post a little random thought about the incredible, intense love of motherhood.
Sometimes, when we tell each other that we love one another, my little guy tells me that he loves me more than I love him. I go along with the game of trying to out-do each other...you know, how many times I love him around the world, and to the moon (and back), how many times around the whole universe...infinity and twenty times, that kind of thing. It's fun and we giggle and I get the warm and fuzzies, but the truth is that he will never, ever, ever know how much I love him. I can try and tell him, and I do, but he will never actually truly know.
Maybe one day when he grows up he'll be a dad, and he'll have daddy love, which is also awesome I am sure, or maybe he'll grow up and choose to love a man instead and maybe they'll adopt me a grandbaby, and he'll have another kind of awesome love, but I don't know those kinds of love, so I'll just talk about what I know, inside my heart. The love I have is 'i-gave-birth-to-you-mommy love', and my son will simply never know it. He will never quite understand how it feels to look at someone whose heart starting beating inside you.
I grew him. I feel kind of superhero-esque when I stop to think about it actually.
I get that motherhood isn't just for women who have been pregnant or given birth, I truly do. There are foster mothers, and adoptive mothers, and surrogate mothers - there are lots of different ways to experience the euphoric highs and wretched lows of motherhood, but the growing, the giving birth and the nursing was my very personal, wonderful start, so that's all I know.
I look into my little boy's big, curious eyes everyday, and I wonder what things he will see. I wonder where he will go and what life holds for him. My heart breaks when I realize that I can't protect him from the inevitable pain, disappointment, and failures that are a part of life and I hurt a little bit when I think that one day, the 'Watch this Mommy's will stop and he'll start doing and trying things that he doesn't want me around for. My heart swells when I think that one day he'll do something great - to make himself proud, exceed his own expectations, and maybe even find love, and find his place in the big, bad world that I brought him into.
My mother love for my child is a fierce love; unconditional, pure, unwavering. Raw.
The most intense moment of clarity I've ever had in my life was the moment I saw him.
I knew at that moment that the person who coined the phrase 'Love at first sight' must have been a mother. A mother, like me, whose life and heart changed in an instant.
All mothers are superheroes. We make and raise kids in all our different ways, but we all have a superpower in common. We love our kids like only moms can, and that, is pretty damn special.
Happy Mother's Day ladies.